I’ve a complicated relationship with faith and religion, which is why I shy away from writing or speaking about it. (Yes, women in hijab face this too)
I used to beat myself up because of the struggle, only to realise that it served to push me further away from the goal of finding God. I used to compare myself to people who can speak and write with ease about and to God, only to understand that our journeys and life stations are different. I used to rebel when people said I can only find true healing within God because I couldn’t yet, only to accept that seeking help from professionals and others is my way of making peace with His decree.
“You have to understand that the traumas you’ve been through have been so intense, you’ve been beaten down so hard & so often, and the pain so deep, that your quest to God, no matter how tiresome and twisted, is an act of worship in itself.”
This Ramadhan, I’m just working on healing this relationship, however small the steps may look like, however insignificant the efforts may seem from the outside. To seek love and light, in its multitude of forms and service. To not compare to what I perceive of others.
After all? God did say, if the servant comes walking, He’ll come to them running, didn’t He?
I’m going to be okay with crawling for now, and stopping to rest once in a while. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe that’s faith. Maybe that’s what you can do too.