Relapsed.

I’ve avoided taking a look in the mirror recently because I’ve struggled to recognise the person looking back. I’ve been going steadily downhill and struggling greatly with the ptsd and depressive episodes, with a thorough relapse over the past week or so, and started feeling disassociated with myself. I have decided to get professional help again (about time) and I am so very thankful I did, and there is no shame in that. I am learning.

I’m learning to be kind to myself while I go through this phase all over again and am committed to recovery. I’ve needed to say No to many collaborations and projects recently as I place my own well-being on centre-stage. While I do apologise sincerely for needing to do so, I am certain that my self-care is going to be of greater benefit in the long run. I am going to rise up stronger – that I know with all my heart.

I am learning to stop beating myself over the bad things that I’ve done and the bad things that have been done to me. I am learning to celebrate small victories – like being able to write again.

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This picture was taken on a good day, just as I was about bushwalk alone down Mt Wellington. This is who I am too. I am love and light too. I am not just this darkness and storm.

To you who’s struggling too, I hope you know this: We are not our illnesses. We are not the sum of all the bad things we’ve done. Nor are we the sum of all the bad things that have been done to us. Imagine the best parts of yourselves, your favorite part even. Find the things that you love most about yourselves.

We are our best day. We are our goodness and light. We are our infectious laughter and smile. We’re not defined by the worst things that stir within us, but by the best things that we have grown.

My counsellor made me realise that I needed to let love in and to allow people to hold space for me. After everything that has happened and is still happening, it’s the most bloody difficulty thing to do, but I’m going to try. I’m going to start with looking in the mirror fully and embracing what I see, and then embracing my loved ones when I see them tomorrow.

What’s a difficult thing that you’re going to try?

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