322. If you’re still awake at 2am.

If you’re still awake at 2am, with his voice still ringing in your head, and his touch still stinging your skin, then know that you are not alone. Many others have treaded this path unfortunately, but many have also thriumped.

When I got out of my nightmare, I didn’t think I was brave. I didn’t think I was a survivor. I didn’t think I was worthy of better. I just thought I needed to get out, and save myself before it was too late.

I didn’t kid myself that it was going to be easy. It wasn’t, and there are many times I nearly gave in and yearned to be back to what was familiar – no matter how destructive it was.

I didn’t think I’d heal overnight. I didn’t. It’s been years but I’m still working to unhear the words said, and unfeel the pain borne.

I didn’t think I’d ever move on. But I have. No matter how many times I’ve walked away from men for no other reason than they are too good, or too nice, or too kind, I’ve had magic moments when I believed I could trust again.
I’ve learnt that my heart is big enough to love more than one person, and I can still give my best to whomever I choose to be with, day in and day out. For those who have left, or I have left behind, I send a prayer to bless them every time they cross my mind – because I’ve been taught to honour the guests of my heart, no matter how much they have hurt me.

I was made to believe I wasn’t worthy of love, but someone once told me – when you think you do not deserve love, then BE love. Be kind and gracious, and lift others as you go along.

I choose every day to live my best life – even if that day my best looks just like going through the day in one piece, and that’s all I’ve accomplished.

But as many people fall in love with my beauty, I wait for someone to fall in love with my scars. And that’s okay. Because God’s promise is true – what is meant to be, will be.

You’re going to be alright, child. Don’t depend on yourself – depend on He who created you. That’s a pretty damn good first step in your journey of recovery. ❤

Lots of love,

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