This was a difficult post to write. I have been dragging my feet on it for a while now, still unsure if the story should be told. I wasn’t sure if I should just post pictures of the place, but that isn’t what TheTudungTraveller.com is about. I wanted to keep my integrity intact.
Then this Saturday’s WWConversations happened, and things fell into place. I finally told the story aloud, and it no longer haunts me. There is purpose, and what I make of it depends entirely on me.
I opened my travel journal to the day of this trip once again and these words look back at me:
“My dear, you are not defined by your circumstance, but how you act within the circumstance you’re in. You are not your tragedy nor your mistakes.”
It has been more than a year, and much has changed. For that, I am thankful.
The day I went to the Cliffs of Moher, I had set an intention to forgive. To forgive the person who had caused me so much pain, yes, but also to forgive myself.
To forgive myself for all the mistakes I have done, the decisions I have made and the things I conveniently let slide.
I needed to forgive because I was angry. I needed to forgive because I wanted to heal.
So I went to the beautiful masterpiece of His creation and felt the warmth of His love.
The Cliffs of Moher is one of Ireland’s many beautiful natural wonders, and its most visited attraction.
The cliffs are 8 km long and stand at 214m at the highest point.
I explored the cliffs with Allison, one of my dearest friends and one who was with me throughout when the ordeal broke.
There were fences that were meant to block visitors from the edge but we didn’t care. Life is a lot more fun when you abide by your own rules.
Honestly, had we abide by the rules, we wouldn’t have gotten half the experience we eventually had.
Especially this one:
I have never been scared of heights, not really, but this feat takes the cake. It was scary – the thought of dangling over the edge – especially since I know I can be quite a klutz.
What if I trip and fall? What if I lose grip when I try to stand up and then fall to my death? What if…? So many what-ifs.
And then I thought to myself, “If I don’t do this, I will walk away from this place filled with regrets.”
So I got down on my knees and crawled. I crawled to the edge and carefully allowed my legs to dangle.
It was breathtaking.
It was scary, yes, but it was amazing what I felt next. The sense of having faith that everything was going to be alright – it was something I wasn’t expecting to feel.
A quiet calm enveloped me and I started tearing. I started tearing because I realised I was still struggling to let things go, to let life take its course and to believe that things are going to happen exactly as they should.
I was at a point where I was taking in so much negativity from multiple sides, and internalising toxic opinions of others. I cared too much about what they were saying about me, I believed all the things they told me about myself and my actions. I was physically so distant from so many people but their messages and texts were suffocating me.
I wouldn’t have believed how much things would change.
Being at the Cliffs of Moher made me realise that there are greater things at work, and I needed to trust. I needed to let go of the need to control everything, because I control nothing.
I can only control my thoughts, and my reaction to the things happening to me.
On the way back to the starting point of the trail, I stopped halfway and told Allison, I need to scream.
I faced the open sea and scream, I did.
All the disappointments, the pain, the betrayal, the What was I thinking and What’s going to happen next questions. I had to scream it all away.
It was juvenile, it was therapeutic, it was necessary.
I screamed, and I cried, and then I screamed again.
And then I saw this:
It struck me that there is beauty in the gravest of situations. That in the most difficult of places, it’s the small things that truly blow your mind away.
That I could let the pain define who I am, or I could take the pain and transform it into something beautiful.
That I could place meaning in the experience, and make good for the world.
I was going to be happy again, that I knew. What I didn’t know was where the path will eventually lead me to.
I found the beginnings of my peace that day, and little did I realise, I was on the way to finding my purpose.
It has been more than a year since, and I am in a good place in my life right now. I still have my struggles, and there are many issues I have yet to deal with, but I am okay. I’ve learnt that no matter what I do, people will still have their own opinions about me, and it wouldn’t have much to do with me nor are they facts about who I am. I am okay with not being okay, and I am okay with needing help to grow.
The whole idea of being uncomfortable and facing my fears and weaknesses isn’t so scary anymore.
I am doing what I love, and I have been given the permission to soar. I now understand why things break so that better things can grow in its place.
I read a quote yesterday which resonated with me so dearly.
Healing never stops, but there’s a point in time when the healing is enough to embrace new adventures (and whatever fall that comes with it).
Great adventures are always unexpected, aren’t they?
Lots of love,