100. Breaking up long-distance

heartThere’s always a fascination with the powers of ten. People rejoice in it, like there’s a sense of completion or accomplishment. Why? I don’t know.

But I’d jump on the bandwagon anyway and use this 100th entry as a means to bless what has happened. I am ready.

I was in two minds initially about writing about this but after receiving quite a few messages from some people (you know who you are) who are worried about going into long-distance relationships, I feel that it is apt to put this whole mess into perspective and make it a lesson.

The relationship did not end because of the long-distance, or a third party, for that matter.

I am not going to nor do I have the intent to air publicly what actually happened. I don’t believe in smearing his or my reputation because I respect him and myself more than that. I really do love his family too and we have many mutual friends so well, I’m going to try to be the bigger person in this mess.

Breaking up long-distance isn’t easy. Attaining closure is tough and when it first broke out, I was left feeling helpless. There’s so little I can do. It was difficult for me especially because I need control. Always have. It’s my poison. I need to be able to find out things on my own and make my own decisions. But when you’re far away, when the truth is being let out to you one after another from all sides and when communication with the other party is difficult, let me tell you, control is the last thing you have.

It was also difficult because the relationship was built around an emotional bond. When the relationshp ended, there was a huge emotional void that I needed to face. I knew then that I had to let go of the need for control and fill up the void with something more.

I learnt to see the whole situation as just another test for me, like all the other tests I have been blessed with. Being so far away and alone was a blessing because I was forced to go on my knees and return to Him. He was the only one I could turn to and the best one to hand over my sorrows.

O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.
[2:153]

So that, I did. He guided me along by putting things into motion and people into my path. I went on the trip to Lake District, my parents, bestfriend and loved ones kept checking up on me, I met a fellow sister in Islam who’d just reverted, I found a book on letting go and my Spain trip fell into place nicely, amongst many other small things.

But I am human. There were moments early on when I fell down and lashed out like a wounded animal. I’d say things I didn’t mean and regret soon after. I forget about being the better person and craved some sense of justice. I was sore for having lost out three years of investing in a relationship I believed was the one. I wanted him to hurt too. It just wasn’t fair.

I didn’t like that person I became in those moments though, and I hated being so broken, so I kept having physical reminders all around me to pick myself up again.

As I worked to get closer to Him through acts of worship and traveling His lands, I also started to do what I always strive to do in times of negativity – I redirect them into positive light. I tried my best to channel the negative emotions into positive forces and used them as lessons. I called upon the educator within me to turn these stumbling blocks into stepping stones and to show the people around me that it is a matter of choice and perspective. I learnt years earlier that as I look keenly in the struggle for learning points to share and inspire, I was healing myself too. At the very least, the struggle and pain will be of benefit not only to myself but to those I care for too.

IMG_6876 2As I let go and let God, I felt my sorrows ebbing away and the burden getting lighter. It may sound cliche but it is true. When you lose attachment to the things of this world and the need for control, you liberate your soul. You see wisdom in the pain and the brightness of the possibilities the future holds. When you have faith in His plan and timing, your heart will be at peace because you believe He has removed something from your hands in order to give you the best. *

You know, I often wondered if I would have handled the matter differently if I had been at home when the truths came to light. I questioned if it would have been a lot easier to handle if the betrayal had been caused by a third party. I’ll never know. But I would have still walked away. The relationship was beyond saving.

I am in a better place now and no longer bitter. I am filled up with positive energy. I have gotten some semblance of closure that will have to suffice for now. I know this isn’t over and I’ll have to face another whole set of demons when I’m finally back in Singapore but I shall cross that bridge when the time comes. For now, I am happy and ready to move on and bless the episode.

To the ex, thank you for the three years and all the lessons learnt. I have grown to be a better and stronger person because of them. Another chapter has ended but it’s okay. I pray that you will be happy and grow as a person. May you find what and who you are looking for and make your family proud. You deserve the best too. (:

IMG_6215
Now for those of you who are considering or are going to be in a LDR, please do not fret. I may not be the best person to talk about this but the 2 months I was in a LDR showed me that it takes a lot of commitment, communication and effort from both parties to make it work. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible either. I have friends here who are in LDRs and are very much in love and committed to their partner.

If you’re worried, please sit down and communicate with your partner your thoughts, feelings and expectations. Make sure the both of you are on the same page before the physical separation happens. I cannot emphasise that enough. Needless to say too, once the separation occurs, you’d need a whole lot of trust, faith and strength to go through all the moments of anxiety, uncertainty and all other crazy emotions we put ourselves through. Make sure there is an understanding in terms of how often you’d communicate, how accessible the other person is and how you’d solve problems should they ever arise. Let me tell you this, being in a LDR will help the two of you mature into rational adults. You’d realize that there is no point in throwing tantrums or to merajuk. Seriously, tak ada masa and tak kuasa ok? You’d learn to address problems openly and find solutions fast. If anything, I’d say a LDR is possibly one of the best things you can have for your relationship at some point because it forces you to grow and bond emotionally, not only physically.

Stay strong and take confident strides. If it is meant to be, it will be. ❤

*As a side-note: Remember too that faith and action comes hand-in-hand. You cannot attain true and lasting faith without doing the physical acts of worship commanded upon you, so please, do not fall into the disillusionment that you can neglect your salah, zikir and tahajjud and just utter faith through the mouth. Your hands and body work in synchrony with your heart so as a friend, I strongly recommend going back to the 5 pillars of Islam, especially the 5 daily prayers. True, it takes effort and there will be times that we’ll falter but how can the sweetness of iman be attained without work? Trust me, my dears, it does wonders. ❤

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3 thoughts on “100. Breaking up long-distance

  1. Pingback: 193. Healing is a choice. | Raise your sights.

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