43. Thoughts

It is 1am, my room is dark except for the light from the laptop’s screen and my mind’s still running at overdrive.

It is both a blessing and curse, this tendency to over think. I think too much. When I get too tired of thinking and want to run away from my thoughts for a bit, I read. But reading gets a bit cumbersome too so I’ll put the book down and start thinking again. It’s a vicious cycle. I’ve lately sought solace in the much-disliked physical exertions of briskwalking/running (I’ve not been blessed with much kinesthetic prowess, you see), putting the term ‘running away’ into actuality but ah, even that doesn’t seem like a long-term solution.

What has robbed me of my sleep tonight is quite queer, slightly morbid even. I was thinking – still am, just that I’m trying to put these fragments of thoughts into words and prose – about how blessed we are, and how undeservingly so. Perhaps it’s a bit too much to generalise this so I shall rephrase that. I think about how blessed I am, and how undeserving I am of such bounties.

Now, here I sound like an arrogant prick, for isn’t the Greatest Being all-Merciful, all-Gracious and all-Generous (the list goes on) and who am I decide if I deserve all these? But come on, we all know our sins, our misgivings, our deficits. We know. We may choose to beat ourselves up for it or walk around pretending not to care but we know if we’ve been less than righteous/virtuous/pious in our daily dealings. Yes, we’re not prefect but have we at least tried out best to serve Him? Ahh well, we all have our conscience to answer to.

I can continue to ramble on about this – gosh I have so much to say – but I shall spare you the extent of the morbidity of my thoughts and leave you with that. I have tired myself enough to invite sleep onto my eyes (I hope).

Till next time, and hopefully, to more coherent thoughts.

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